Redtruckbetty Tales

Kids

2009-07-09T08:54:00.003-08:00

"Basically people don't know how kids think, I guess they forget. But when you're a kid it's like you're wearing these binoculars strapped to your eyes and you can't see anything except what's in the dead center of the lenses because you're too scared of everything else or else you don't understand it and people expect you to, so you feel stupid all the time. Mostly a lot of stuff just doesn't get registered" Rule of the Bone, A Novel by Russell Banks.

Wow, I have spent over 6 weeks at home with my son this summer and this quote shot me in the heart. How fucking stupid am I. Of course. It's changing how I react right. . .Now. . .

Can you live with it?

2008-10-23T20:11:00.003-08:00

How often in one day do you watch someone else not living up to their own potential. Or are you lucky enough to see everyone just simply maximizing. Is your life like a fucking Nike ad. Congratulations . . .mine's not. I'm pretty sure I'm most definitely not living up to MY potential. But, starting today, I'm going to try very hard. Try to look away as I blunder, stumble and fall, picking myself back up again and slamming through the back door of the parallel life that I've obviously been missing out on. Meanwhile, don't pass judgement on me as I look backwards, waving goodbye to those who have, with the slightest gestures, assisted in keeping me right where I've been. Now, take a deep breath, exhale, step outside of IT and take a good hard look. Are you happy? Could you be doing something more and better that would not only make you more complete and satisfied but could also, in some extremely insignificant way, just niggle a bit of an 1/8th of an inch, the path of destruction that our world is going. What if everyone made themselves just a bit more complete, a bit happier, a bit more driven, what if that just changed the course of everything. Just step back and think about it, then just get up and shoot one big long middle finger at everyone who's fucking with you and feeding you the bullshit that makes you think you can't have more. I think I might.

Parents Out There

2008-01-30T12:56:00.000-09:00

If you read this blog and you comment, answer this question . . .Is parenting hard to you? Yes or No. If you say No, then I need to talk to you. Oh my, how parenting is hard. Is it really that bad to consider raising your child under the same context as you might raise, um, say, well, let's just say, a dog. I've actually tried it before. Using the sounds and finger movements that the Dog Whisperer uses on dogs, only on Jake. Making him sit before he can have a snack. Leashing him and walking him. Haha. Just kidding. It's just so much easier with dogs and they definitely don't talk back. Nonetheless, they also don't talk to you in your language, which can be hilarious. When Jake uses my phrases it cracks me up. It's hard though. I'm worn out by my own negativity. Constantly lecturing about how it has got to be. I've been reading this awesome book called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. It's teaching me about the wisdom of the jewish religion and how you can intertwine it into your relationship with your child. Easier to read than it is to do, I definitely think that I'm on the right path, but every day is a new day. Another wonderful place to visit is a website called Early Parenting. Currently co-blogging authors, Carrie Contey and Bernadette Noll are hashing out parenting issues using Carrie's vast education and Bernadette's wonderful wisdom. I look forward to loads of learning. I'll take it any way I can get it. Meanwhile, instead of blogging, I should go play with that munchkin. Enjoy goofy pics of my easier, furry kids who are just happy with a treat and a quick run. Wait that works for Jake too. The two together are Izzy and Pico crashed after a day at the Pedernales, and the other guy is our new dog Clyde Blue. There is a whole post just about him coming. Love and Peace to all.

The Pack is Back

2008-01-26T06:29:00.000-09:00

Life just isn't right without our pack and we have missed Gus so much. Pico de Gallo and Izzy Pretty have been fine on thier own but a couple of girls with no boy only leads to bitchiness. So, we hit Blue Dog Rescue in search of a new family member. We came across this beautiful boy and read his story. It was hard not to want a dog who had just climbed in a car for a roadtrip and seemed to enjoy it, so we set up a meeting. Check out his story at Blue Dog Rescue, just scroll down to Brando. He is everything you see here and more. What a fanstastic fella. We have such high hopes and know that here, in his new home, he will find the companionship he could only hope for. We are trying to decide what his new name will be. He's been Brando and Harry in his past lives, but we want him to start his new life with a solid name that represents the kind of life he will have. This is a pup who will snuggle in bed, run at the pedernales, hang in the yard with his two bitches, Izzy and Pico, guard his new kid, Jake, and have huge stuffed stockings at Christmas. We are so excited. Some names that have bantered around, Hank, Bloo, Bill and Sam. I thinking Hank or Sam are gonna be the big winners. Take a look at his video. We are going to have the most beautiful pack ever.

Date Night

2008-01-19T05:25:00.000-09:00

I had a couple of excellent experiences yesterday. First, I spent the day at my son's class. All day. It was huge. There is no way that you can possibly do anything that is cooler than observing the social interactions of your child with his peers. We had a rough week but came out better for it. I veered him away from click behavior and hope to nip that in the bud immediately. We also experienced our first sleepover. My hub and I got to go out on a date and it was amazing. Eating out is something that we love to do. Real date. We went to Sampaio's, which is a Brazilian diner on Burnet Rd. I tried a wonderful Malbec (wine) which I had sworn I wouldn't like. I had one bad Malbec and it turned me off to all of them. Can't remember the name, sorry. We had mussels and fried brie. Creme Brulee for dessert with espresso. Yum. Life can be good . . .and rich . . .and I'm not talking about money. For the holiday, we are headed to the Pedernales for some R&R. These photos are from last year. It's very relaxing and we are on the hunt for fossils for Kinder Science Fair. I think we will have some success. It's fossil heaven.

Revived!

2008-01-17T07:41:00.001-09:00

It's been a while since I've posted my thoughts. All this Yogadenada blogging got me thinking. Last night, as I sat awake, long after the boys had gone down, a few questions arose . . .

Whoever happens to be in the know:

1. Who's really in charge here? (Planet Earth, etc.)

2. Is there really alien life form on other planets, are they roaming earth, and more importantly, should we be scared?

3. Is "The Secret" really "The Secret" and if so . . .is everyone really practicing it? Because, if they were . . .wouldn't we all be happy, secure, living in a wonderfully green society filled with world peace and tranquil harmony . . . weath abundant?????

4. What happens when we die? Jake wants to know.

O.K. thanks, and how sad that Kit got bumped off Project Runway (Bravo, Wednesdays). I really liked her.

Redirecting!

2008-01-10T07:16:00.000-09:00

For any of those left of you who randomly check this blog. I am now determined to build Yogadenada.blogspot.com. Come check me out. I'm pledging to blog daily, Monday-Friday. Thanks Shannon. For lighting the fire again.

Hit the title of this blog and it will get your there!!!! Save it on your bookmark and change the way you see things!

Gus '07

2007-08-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back we put our blessed old soul, Gus, down. Gus had been with us since the first few months that Joel and I had dated. I was out on a job in L.A., Dallas, wherever, and Joel called to tell me that a dog had been following him. It was Gus, who must have seen a pretty good ride in Joel, what with Lucy and Red following him. Those girls were nothing but beautiful. Gus came to us scruffy, skinny and beat up. He barely had any teeth and he had a bad case of heartworms. We were able to miraculously subdue him for a month in order to kill the heartworms and he grew into a beautiful dog with a loving and dear personality. I'll never forget how he followed me around when I was pregnant with Jake. He never let me out of his site. He loved Red dearly and was the only one with her when she died. He tolerated Izzy until he loved her and Izzy never felt anything but utmost adoration for him. He set Miss Pico straight from the moment she showed up, letting her know the hierarchy of the household with a simple and gruff growl. We will always miss you, Gus. You we're our boy. I know you are there with beautiful Red, romping her up for a good run to keep her in shape. You two are waiting for us, while Lucy sheriff's the whole rainbow bridge population.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've enlightened anyone out there with my witty observations about life, etc. I am currently feeling the heat of yet another catering season blowing it's steamy breath into my eyes and causing my heart to pace a little quicker. My bank account hungers for those caterings while my joints roll over and hit the snooze button. I'm already plotting t-shirts . . ."I survived Catering Season '07" TACODELI!! I am looking forward to, to, to, ummmmmm, nothing. I get more tattoos on my birthday, yippee. I'm about to enroll in Introduction to WWW Authoring and XHTML, the first website design class at ACC Informal Learning. Just creating a little backup plan if you know what I mean, hint, hint, wink, wink. These joints ain't gettin' any younger and I'll be damned if I'll be greeting losers at the local Wal-Mart in my 70's.

Kindergarten is upon me and I have no idea what to do. I'm terrified. I can already see Jake graduating, and thank god, apparently he plans to have me live with him forever in order to show him how to make ramen and also tell him how to get to his best friend, Brandon's, house. He mentioned we needed to get beer first. I have no idea where he got that idea!

Well, I've written more than I expected. Keep on keeping on and don't forget to stretch, breathe and smile, every hour, every minute.

Oh, swimming season is closing in on us. Don't forget to get your dunk on as much as you can in the next few weeks. The title is linked to Austin's pool schedule.

Sorry, I'm no photographer.

Run. Eat. Learn.

2007-07-28T17:51:00.000-08:00

So, what I know now is that you have to create something cool in photoshop or illustrator, then create an image and html it into the blog. That is how I will make this blog lovely. And, I have got to get rid of the dots. They are starting to make me crazy. And how about this rain . . . oh my god. I lived in Portland, Oregon. This is much worse. I lived in Colorado. This is not as bad. I yearn for hot summer days and dips in the pool. I don't care what anyone says. Kindergarten starts in 4 weeks. We've got one week left of summer camp and our life as Jewish parents will slowly crawl to an end. Though my hopes are high that we might make frequent visits to the Jewish Community Center, the fact is that we won't. We never go there other than to drop Jake and pick him up and I'd rather spend my money on yoga and Gilbert's Gazelles. Joel has taken up running and it's been awesome. He has run up to 7 miles on one day and frequents 3-4 mile runs regularly. He looks awesome. I keep dreaming of consistent running but have lightly sprained my ankle twice just since I started messing around with it. My ambitions are high but I'm very much still committed to YAAC (yoga at all costs) which has been working out great for me. There are so many things to do and never enough time for all of it. I constantly struggle with time. Time for Jake, time for me, time for love and family, time for the dogs, time for the house. The struggle to balance is impossible and I really don't see where I am supposed to fit in any extracurricular learning. Maybe I should consider ritalin. Atleast I could focus long enough to learn how to sew. My own compelling need to fix this ugly blog will eventually force me to learn some HTML. Here's a tip for anyone who's chasing whatever latest fad diet that exists. One, those diets only work once. If you gain the weight back, they rarely work twice. Two, consider that you may look great just the way you are. Three, consider a lifetime change in diet. My bestest gal and hottie chickie friend, (you guess who you are) told me about her lifetime change years ago and I've done it twice and it always works. Drop wheat out of your life, consider dairy too if you are a huge cheese, ice cream type eater. I'm not. The wheat is my demon. Suddenly I'm not drinking beer, eating bread, flour tortillas, crackers, goldfish, etc. Immediately I drop water weight. It's awesome. Then I lean down, just a bit. Gotta exercise too. Don't forget your supplements if you skip dairy. I promise prettier blog and pictures. I'm lazy about uploading. Happy Raining!

Learning HTML!

2007-07-18T05:17:00.000-08:00

Does anyone out there know HTML. I'm trying to teach it to myself. I can't stand not having control of my blog. I keep thinking about starting the web design program at ACC but then I think, this is stupid. I can learn HTML. Nonetheless, I'm very excited because I just changed the fonts on my blog and that is enough to put a smile on my face. Yippee. If you are trying to learn HTML, check out the link on this title. Oooh, just looking at the classes at ACC gets me excited. O.K. must go wake up the Jake.

New Destination

2007-01-21T16:18:00.000-09:00

I'm not sure how heinous this is. But, I have moved my blog to wordpress.com. Just like any move, it's in shambles but I'm working on organizing it, and my blogging ambitions are rusty these days. I loved wordpress because of it's awesome templates and the fact that it fused my three blogs into one place, yogadenada, joanna fried poetry and redtruckbetty mamastuff. So, go check it out by hitting the title of this blog. Hope you follow me. I'm going to try to get busy hitting you with all kinds of new and exciting information about yoga and mamacrazies and maybe a bit of new poetry. Take care for now, and so sorry Blogspot. It was sweet while it lasted.

Nananananananana

2006-11-22T03:46:00.000-09:00

Today is my birthday. Nananananananana. Gonna have a good time. Yes, today is my birthday and I'm guessing there arn't alot of you out there who actually read this and that's just fine because it's for me anyway, so that is why today, in this blog, I want to say one thing to myself . . .by the time I'm 50, I would like to have something that isn't a blog. Something that is more substantial than a blog. Screenplay, novel, book of poems. I don't care. But it must be something. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOANNA. God, you look great for your age. Congratulations for maintaining a positive attitude all these years and sticking to your guns. I have a new mantra in life. If you hate your job, be happy you have a job. If you hate your belly, be happy you have food to eat. If you are frustrated with your house, be happy you have a house. Life is good, you have the option to change if if you don't like it. You get the picture. O.K. going to do yoga. Just wanted to put the dream on paper, on internet space. Etc.

Yoga, Halloween and Barack Obama

2006-11-04T04:01:00.000-09:00

Someday . . .I will blog on my yoga blog, yogadenada. I started it, oh so long ago, and I've only written one entry. The words are swirling around in my head, desperate to get out, finally, they've worn down and found a dark corner to hide in, waiting patiently and speaking up when necessary. No surprise here that I believe that yoga is the number one best exercise ever. There are many styles of yoga, from the sedate, slow-moving Iyengar, to the more aerobic, strength-building hatha flow. I have never practiced Ashtanga, but I get the idea it's an ass-kicker. I am terrified. Nonetheless, yoga is not just about the body, it brings mind, body and spirituality together as one. If you can make yoga a regular practice in your life you will be flexible, strong, mentally healthy and feel a sense of oneness with those around you and the universe. And, if you like the idea of being happy and healthy well into your 90's and 100's, then I say, go out and buy a yoga mat today, sign-up for a few classes and get yogaing. It partners all activities well. O.K. now I'm going to collect my check from the Yoga Foundation.

Halloween! I love Halloween. Ours was fast and furious. Jake was Speed Racer and I was a super-hero that looked more like Billy Jean King gone Glam. I wasn't hot. Leading up to Halloween we hit a pumpkin patch, pics attached by Jake and myself. As in, Jake took the pictures, except for the crazy ones he is the subject of. We did pumpkin painting, pumpkin carving, caramel apples and then wrapped it up with trick or treating. My job is done. Moving on to Birthday (mine), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's (um, bloody mary's in the backyard). I fucking love the Holidays. I'm not being a smartass. And for once in a long while, I think I'm feeling o.k. and mentally healthy for a change. Big question of the New Year, is Joanna dumb enough to get pregnant one more time? Yes, No, only time will tell. Back to Halloween. Jake was coming down with a cold and pooped out early. I had to take his heavy load of candy. The wierd thing was, he never ate it, didn't ask about it. Joel and I polished it off in two days. Wierd, very wierd, very, very wierd. He's into gum these days. Oops, he just asked about it. I guess I'm running to the store for some candy now.

If you haven't heard about Barack Obama, which I'm sure you have, check him out at the title link to this blog. He offers hope in the face of our nation's problems. Not that a Republican in the office is a problem (ahem), but a dumb-ass republican puppet who is an embarrassment to our country and misrepresents the people, continuouly making press blunders, is just the little whipped flowers on top of the icing on the cake. He's a small problem. A front man. We don't know who the big problem is because we arn't really sure just who's in charge. Barack Obama is (shhhhhh, don't tell anyone) ... Black. Can America diversify? Is America ready for diversity at that level? It would be new and refreshing to have a woman as president and it's unbelievable that a female president is even an issue, though probably not a great idea . . .we are a bit emotional . . ."I'm so pissed at China, they didn't compliment my nice red dress I bought especially for the meeting we had last night, bomb them damnit." I keep thinking Hillary's real reason to get into the presidential office is some evil revenge on Bill that the whole country is going to be forced to witness. Anyone other than a big, white goon in the office at this point would be great. What makes us think that being caucasian makes someone smarter or better informed at making decisions about America. Obama's belief and efforts are in-line with a more progressive way of running our country. He tackles issues of political corruption and his efforts are devoted to breaking this nation's horrible addiction to oil. His campaign title "The Audacity of Hope, Reclaiming the American Dream" is awesome. He's a visionary, and maybe a bit of an idealist, and we all know the country is ripe for a change in direction. Will he run for president? I don't know enough. I'm still trying to figure out who he is. He's young and I'm excited about the whole idea. When I was digging around looking at press on him I found this hilarious t-shirt site. If I didn't think I'd get punched by some asshole right-winger, I'd definitely wear "F*ck Republicans" with the donkey humping the elephant. Too fun. Or the retro-looking "I miss Bill" t-shirt, I have to buy that one. Enjoy our kooky spooky pumpkin pics. Jake and I had a blast taking photos. The last one's a finger. Verrrrrry artsy. I'm sure he meant to do it.

Whirling Words about the World

2006-10-19T04:48:00.000-08:00

My latest addiction is Itunes Radio. I know everyone does it and I've done it forever but my awesome iMac, that doesn't serve much of a purpose other than feeding music at my workstation, sends ethereal ambient tunes from Drone Zone on SomaFM, served best chilled, safe with most medications. Since recently I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the mediocrity of the human race in comparison to the cosmos, it seems best to have a soundtrack reminiscent of space. The music actually has a vibration that resonates through my brain and compels a certain meditation. For those who don't know, my son Jake attends a religious school, the JCC-ECP, the Jewish Community Center-Early Childhood Program. It's awesome. It's a really wonderful school and though I am not religious AT ALL, I have no problem with their very beautiful education about God. If I have to align with a religion, I'll take God's chosen. Nonetheless, this is not a diatribe about religion, what I am embarking on here is that my son comes home with many questions and statements about God. "Why does god make the clouds?" was one. I skirted that one with "Do you think God is a man or a woman?". "Woman", my gorgeous, intelligent young son said. Good Boy. You see, I ain't raising no dummy. I also don't spend a lot of time skirting issues by the way. If he asks me about God, I quickly explain that some people believe that God created the world, but Science very clearly explains away (atleast to me) any chances of some ethereal sort creating the world in 7 days. I mean come on. It's pretty obvious that our ancestors are little hairy types and maybe even a few fishies. As a matter of fact, not to be insulting, but I would say that we are really more of a product of de-evolution as opposed to evolution. Once upon a time, there was a planet void of toxins, trash and war. Are we really anything more than a dirty little vermin, slowly killing off this planet like a nasty disease that no antibiotic can kill. All the other planets are pointing and laughing at Earth. Poor guy. He's got those nasty humans and he can't shake them no matter how many earthquakes, monsoons, hurricanes, etc. So sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. I think my mind wanders too much and sometimes, well, we as people just take our lives so seriously that we stop living it. We are so busy working to buy better cloths, houses, cars, jewelry, groceries, upgrading, not re-using, not recycling, not re-planting. Our world is a consumer world and we can't stop churning out more shit, way more than we are extinguishing, wouldn't you say? We are so consumed with the next buy, even me, I'm not placing myself outside of this guilt. I just can't get over consumption. Target, Wal-Mart, Sears, Home Depot. Is this product or trash? I know I rattle on all the time about this, but what are you and me and everyone else doing to make this a better world? A healthier planet? Life has to move outside our inner circle. We have to look at the bigger picture. I get an opportunity to meditate almost daily at the end of my yoga sessions. Recently, in the last year, I've started looking forward to these times and deeply appreciating the moment, I get excited. I used to think it was such a waste of time. Laying there, flat on my back, I sink into the earth and my mind opens to a broad space. I begin to have a sensation of lifting above the earth and being a part of everything. At that point my thoughts become so large (that's the word) that I can't herd them into any one place. I just grasp a greater sense of being and feel both very small yet connected to everything. Mind you, this is not a religious moment, it's a sensation that we are individually very small, but as a race we are great and can do huge things. As a population we can change direction. We can all meditate, for a brief time everyday and float into a bigger space and realize that we are both great and small in our minds. But if we put our minds together we can change the direction of a huge motion of negative energy and swooping wide, we can change the tide. Wanna try?

Real Parenting

2006-09-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

O.K., it's 10:10pm and the hub is in the bedroom reading stories to Jake, not Jake's bedroom, our bedroom. It's all the same around here. Jake is drinking milk from a sippy cup and odds are he won't brush his teeth afterwards. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. We didn't eat supper until 8:30pm. Jake sat ON the table, not at the table. Me, Joel and Neighbor sat on the couch. We each had some form of alcohol, beer or wine. We watched Southpark.
Jake goes to school at 8:30am, atleast that's the idea. This morning he woke up at 8:15am. He really didn't want to wake up, but I sang a little ditty and blew mouthfarts on him, making rhyming tunes to words like fart and poop. I know it's bad, but hey, it makes him laugh and I laugh too. I managed to get him dressed, teeth brushed and hair hand-combed and out the door by 8:30am. Not sure how, it was a bit like being a drill sergeant. Did he eat breakfast? No! Damnit. Oh, I said "Damnit", I'm sure. "Oh shit!" is a big favorite too. "Oh Shit, I forgot your shoes." "Damnit Izzy, get out of the trash." You know, shit like that. I dropped him off at school, kisses and hugs and kisses and hugs and lots of "I love You". Life is good. I worked my fucking ass off all day but that's another story. I come skating up to the school at 2:40pm, 2:45pm is the last minute pick-up. Racing into the school, I clip a parent with dawdling kiddos, trying to make it before it is embarrassingly late. I waltz in to a wonderful closing of Jake playing outside with his classmates, "Mom, I don't want to leave yet." I breath a sigh of relaxation. "O.K.", I say. We hang out, then dawdle down to the Frog room. We hang out there too long because we simply love Jaqlyn too much, oh if only I could spell her name right. I am shamed by her wonderfully natural way of observation. As she reads over his class report, she asks Jake "What did you say you were sorry to God for Jake?", "I said I was sorry for talking so loud in class," said Jake. Ouch. Why didn't I ask that question. Moving on. We dallied there for awhile then ran off to finish my work day at TACODELIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! In the car I asked Jake what Dad and I should say we are sorry for to God. I won't get into it too much, but let me just say that it turns out that Jake isn't missing alot around here, as in, he does know exactly what we should feel bad about. O.K. now we know Jake's an observant little booger. We went to Tacodeli where I promptly gave him a chocolate chip cookie and lemonade so that he would let me finish up work. We got home and he did awesome artwork and colored and watched T.V. while I worked even a bit more. Then, YEAH!, we went to the park where he played with Zoe and dreamed of playing soccer and being in kindergarten. When we got home he asked me if boys took ballet. "Why yes," I said, with great delight I might add (Joel's eyes were rolling). I ran to get my New York Ballet workout tape to show him just such types of fellows. He lost interest immediately. Jake just got out of bed and asked to brush his teeth and pee. Then he crawled back into bed with Dad. I'm gonna go take a shower and crawl in next to him. Fuck you Parenting Magazine. We co-sleep, we single sleep, Jake sleeps in his own bed and our bed and sometimes I sleep in his bed alone. I say fart and poop and there is no fucking way that ignoring it is going to make him stop saying it. This kid is way too smart for that. He's already signed his forms for class clown of 3rd grade. Dad's been priming him since birth. This is a real day in the real life of a parent of a 4-year-old. I wish we could be better. We did get broccoli and salad in him for dinner. I'm feeling good about that one. I just can't take the pressure of proper parenting anymore. We are animals, we breed, we raise our brood. I can't keep up with the many new fangled ways of raising kids. Americans who raise thier children by the book, end up with cows. Sure, they travel in herds, but you can't tell one from the other. I'll take my crazy zebra-striped Hyena anyday. He's one of a kind.

Swim like you think yer dyin'!

2006-08-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

Can you stop time? Have you ever wanted to? How about for one or two hours a day you just shut the world off and forget that your job sucks, you can't pay your bills, your house is dirty, your ass is too big, whatever. I've got the secret . . . It's called swimming. You know, you've heard of it, right? You did it when you were a kid. No dumbass, not that shit where you put on goggles and a cap and ear plugs and drudge along back in forth in those boring fucking lanes, counting strokes and getting that silly exercise stuff. I'm talking about good old heart-thumpin', chlorine-stinkin', swim-suit losin' swimming. Jumping in with yer knees up to your chest, back-slapping, ass-kicking fun. Actually, I'm not much for jumping, but the other day Jake and I put on our goggles and started exploring the deep end of our neighborhood Brentwood Park pool. Since then, nary a day goes by that we don't make it there for a quick underwater expedition. I have found that for a couple of hours a day I actually forget that I'm miserable in my life, unable to decipher a single bit of it. For a little while, I'm Joanna, the 8-year-old, swimming underwater, blowing bubbles up to the top and sitting on the bottom of the pool. I can remember showing up at the pool at opening time in Tulia, Texas. I'd ride my blue 10-speed the four or five miles to the pool and stay till closing, everyday, all summer long. Flirting with the cute life-guards and eating lunch at the snack bar, I was a brown bean, just like The Jakey now. Who new about skin cancer? I'm sucking at that whole concept even now. I don't think I even wore sunscreen back then. These last few days of Jake's summer I'm showing him the way of the underwater world. Everything beats slower down there, everyone flows. I'm creating this concept of underwater yoga. It's beautiful. So, if you haven't made it out to the pools yet, I think you have one more month. Pull out that moldy old swimsuit, slather on some 50 spf, and get some Vitamin D. The sun isn't all that evil. You'll find us there, looking like racoons in our goggles, popping up for air. Hit the title for a link and find a free pool near you.

The Evolution is Upon Us!!

2006-07-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

I would not be so bold to say that I know much about anything. In fact, that is exactly my problem and why I am, and have been, stuck in such a long, on-going rut for so long, long, fucking long. From the time I was 17, I have begged and pleaded for anyone to help me make a decision as to what I should do with my life and with boring dismay, I must confess, I have still not discovered it. But nonetheless, here I am to annoy all of you with my ill-educated ramblings on whatever happens to cross my mind in those sketchy early-morning hours when it's too early to get up but just close enough to that time that I can't go back to sleep. First, I should tell you that I have become highly addicted to chocolate covered peanuts. I consider them to be an anti-depressant. I'm trying not to drink so much and they have become an awesome substitute. Watering plants is a good anti-depressant too. I think if you see a beautiful garden, you can bet that person is working through some shit. Anyway, for those of you who arn't up-to-date on my life, here's the low-down. I lost my best dog Red, old news, but losses like that don't just go away. Hell, I'm still mourning my grandma Beulah and that was 4 years ago. A drop in the time bucket. I try to call her everyday. And I listen for Red's shuffle every morning. Joel and I gave the preggers concept one big fat fucking final try and to no avail, the Gods slapped our hands and reminded us that, in our case, one is enough. Fine, I'll look the other way at all those who get to have 2, 3, 4, 10. Getting on with my life with liposuction, running, yoga and such. I've been scanning the news these days and I'm scared. My recent National Geographic talked about hurricanes, CNN talks about heat waves in California, fighting in Israel and Lebanon, and goddamn it's hot. When I read these reports, I see very little mention of what might have caused the environmental concerns. It's just something we must persevere. I can't help but wonder if there is something that we can be doing. I know, we are recycling and riding our bikes and cleaning with non-toxics. I've got my borax, Dr. Bronner's and vinegar and my compost pile to decrease the landfills. I try to only purchase thrift. No new shit for me, thank you. I recycle clothing, damnit. The deal is . . .it's not just about what we are doing but how we are thinking. We have to shift gears. We have to acknowledge, that we humans, are the most destructive thing to ever happen to Earth. And Bush is quite possibly the devil. We procreate and we don't think about what it will be like for our children, hell, what it will be like for us. I fear for the day that we live in plastic bubbles, removed from the contaminated planet we call Earth. Bladerunner. 12 Monkeys. Sci-Fi isn't really fiction, it's prophetic. Atleast that's how I see it, and that's all that counts on this blog, right. I have always believed that practicing yoga (really practicing it), not just as an exercise, but a way of believing, thinking . . . might help evolutionize us, grow our brains bigger, expand our souls and ways of thinking. No more destruction towards ourselves, each other or the planet. It's hard not to think it's too late. Like I said, I don't know much about anything at all and I certainly haven't spent much time with the bible or history. Not enough to know whether what is going on right now is prophetic in anyway. But, what I see, is reason for concern. I see pollution, war, destruction and hatred. It concerns me. It scares the shit out of me. I wonder what life will be like in 20 years. I wonder if we will look back on 2.75 a gallon gas and say "Can you believe it got that high?", or "Wow, those were the good old days!", or "What was gasoline anyway?". I wonder if we won't have a choice as to whether our sons and daughters will fight in a war. That's what really makes my heart skip a beat, feeling the rush of blood as it catches up with itself. I have to admit, sometimes I think. . . it's too late. There is no changing this blood ugly course we've got ourselves on. Then, I go and pop YogaShakti in the DVD player and do a long yoga session, throw some coins for the I Ching and think . . .today I'll try to evolutionize, just a little bit.
And now, give this a think . . .if you arn't part of this evolution, then you might just be part of the problem. What can you do about it?

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

2006-05-26T04:55:00.000-08:00

Look, if you haven't seen this show then you are an unforgivable turd who lives life boring the shit out of everyone around you. First, the animation is delightful and addictive. As soon as the theme song starts, you should immediately start dancing. That's the only way to do it. I'm not saying this is educational tv, but it's better than being put through a series of learning programs on Noggin (which I love by the way, but can only stomach so much of) and not as bad as letting him watch . . the Simpsons, the Oblongs or Family Guy. It's clean, it's funny, it's adorable, it'a entertaining. Check it out on Cartoon Network. I sit down and watch it everytime it's on for a little lighthearted pick-me-up. I'm trying to do this crazy new thing called "Live Today". Try not to think about yesterday too much and avoid thinking about tomorrow a whole heck of alot as well. Seriously, thinking about something that hasn't happened is a total waste of time. Today is Today and in the exact moment when it happens, it's the only chance you will get to experience it. So, at the risk of sounding wholly cliche, stop and smell the bluebonnets, reach in and feel the texture of a plant's leaf, listen to the crickets and frogs and birds in your yard. On a cool summer evening, go outside and plop your ass down in a chair and stare at the sky, touch the fireflies and have a goofy conversation with your 4-year-old, or husband, or wife, or sister, or mom, or dog, or cat about what it would be like to ride a shadow, or whether you've ever seen a ghost, or what would happened if it rained lollipops. Last night, Jake and I sat outside in chairs facing each other with our legs wrapped up singing "Cowgirls, Cowboys won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight, etc." Jake made up verses and we talked about the shadows. Our shadows have become our new friends who often play with us in the mornings. I have spent so much of my life worrying about the past and fretting about the future and it's this little fella I grew from a very small seed that has finally made me realize that it's this very moment that counts the most. And with that said, I'm going to make the most of this one and go do yoga to start the day.

Playdough

2006-05-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

O.K. so I tried to start a new blog but I realized that it was stupid so here is the one post that was at that blog. I also linked to a really cute site where you can learn how to do other cool things with your kid, wife, cousin, niece, nephew, dog, alone, whatever. Hit the title of this entry. I've been doing a little baking so I might give you a bit of a how-to on that next time and I might even do a little starter (sourdough, that is). Yeah, call me Marta Hewlert or something. Sorry for the icky pics but to be honest, playdough isn't pretty to get to, just fun to play with, smell, taste and eat and . . . I'll stop there.
PLAYDOUGH, PLAYDOH, PLATO, ETC.
2 cups of flour
1 cup of salt
1 teaspoon of food coloring (always use more).
2 tablespoons of oil
2 cups of water
1 teaspoon of cream of tartar.
Cook it in a saucepan over a medium heat and you will get a soft, lovely, pliable playdough that is not only fun to play with, but yummy to eat. No silly, don't eat it. Make the alphabet with it. We always make tons of it because it lasts forever. Try not to get too stressed. It's messy and it should be. We forget how to be friends with our kids, so busy to make sure they are good little humans that arn't offending anyone. Just remember, who they are now is only a fraction of who they will become and what you do now will determine every bit of what they will become. Think about it. They get in our way and slow our day down. Oh, if only I could have a cup of coffee in solitude. Solitude will come your way. It's called "old age" and who you are now will determine who is by your side in 40 years. I would love to have Jake come by and visit me in my garden when I'm 80. What would you like?

My Red.

2006-05-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

I dedicate this blog to the best little girl that ever came into my life. I just hope that someday I see her spirit running through the mist of the Shoal Creek dog park. I would love to see that smile just one more time. Baby girl, I love you. And Papa and Jake and Gus do to.

My Little Girl

2006-04-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, April 15th, my sweet girl Red died. I was gone out of town and she died here at the house with Gus. She was the world to us, the glue in the family factory. There is a hollow place in our world now. We loved you Little Red Dog.

Oh sew Quickly...

2006-04-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

I have no time to post. My life is a mess. Oh Calgon, take me away. So, when you drink too much Vodka it makes your brain dry up. Ouch. Come on brain, relax. Oooh. Jake is screaming. I am so excited because I have signed up for a beginners sewing class at First Samples and am going to pushstart my dream of being a DIY clothing designer. Woohoo. If you are interested you can click on the title to this entry and it will send you to thier sight. I read about it in the crappy Austin American Statesman (don't get me started on our great newspaper) and decided to muster up the $120 bucks to do it. I don't see why it seems like I never have time to do anything for myself unless I wake up at 5am, an then it's only yoga, but I'm happy about that. I just need time to sew. I also picked up a book about making clothes out of t-shirts, 108 ways to redesign a t-shirt. You can even make a bikini, as if, I'm packing this chunky belly into any bikini, oh god, give me back my skinny body, pleeeeezzzeeee. My Jake is filled with so many words. He's currently telling me how he spits on monsters and chases them up trees. I love the little fellow, he calls his burps "amaaaazing". I had him say his prayers today from school. It's so cute. I'm not religious but there is something about hearing your child say a prayer he has memorized and talking about God. It's a part of him that comes from somewhere else and has no connection to me. I feel like, in this space, he can teach me something. O.K. just wanted to spit out some words. Must get ready for soccer practice. Check out the slowly evolving link list. I have tons more, just give me time.

Would you be Interested?

2006-04-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

I also write poetry and would love to share some with you as I start to get a creative urge. I haven't downloaded all of them onto my blog but here is one and there is a sampler at joannafried.blogspot. Just hit the title entry.

Mama

Streaming tears
melting
hearts foot soldiers
stand-by
Carry, carrying
to carry
I drive forward
unrelenting tears
silkening downward
ever scolding,
a stance
set forth by others
trying tears
plying, flailing, failing
again upright
mine
beats now,
mine
cries now
flying tears
with force and intention,
I melt to tender touches,
hearing
Mama,
Mama,
Mama

Also . . .here are some mamaku's that DID NOT get published at austinmama.com. oh well.

mom mommymommy
mama mama mommy mom
mom mommy mama

mom, play trains with me
just one minute, just one sec
mama play trains, please

Here's another:

Lost.
win a new set of emotions
experiences turn
over memories
relied up
on
expect a hand slung back
searching
a soft curve of
a neck, fitting snuggly
a sweet smell
in a tendril tasted
sleep
a heart cracks
the thought
a smooth clean feel
crossing lips
read deep my heart
can’t think
dreamt lost, signs
telling
at each bay
bliss missed
preciously
arrives late

Anyway, I only have a little time to post and poems are rambling through my head. If I died tomorrow, they would be what marked my life, filled with harsh reproaches towards my loves, and gentle caresses to my son.

A Lovely Day

2006-03-25T12:27:00.000-09:00

It's a beautiful spring day and Jake and I just took off for a walk around the neighborhood checking out houses and looking for garage sales. No luck. I pulled him in his red wagon and got a nice little workout and he finally decided that a nap would be good. When we came home, I lifted him out of the trailer and carried him inside, his 42 lbs. wrapped around me, he lifted his head just enough to give me a kiss on the neck. We wonder why we got into this parenting thing, but for moments like these. I carried him into his room and we fell on his bed hugging each other. Both of us dozed off and now the house is quiet with both boys crashed in each room (Dad and the Jakester). I am hoping to take this time to squeeze in an hour of yoga, as I was too exhausted to try this morning after a late night at Shannon's Art Opening. Can I just keep linking to her site since she has the most wonderful pieces that hint at "springacoming" and often symbolize the love for children both here and there. She's really accomplished something cool with her art. Oh Shannon, if you ever bother to read this, put your artist's statement in your website. It's cool. Speaking of art, I pryed Jake away from the TV for awhile the other night and we did felt replications of ourselves. I've decided to start torturing you with bad art pieces that might actually get good over time, so that's what you see here. I'll take any art project these days and am hoping to try and take a class at Laguna Gloria soon. I figure one type of art might lead to another, you never know. Laguna Gloria offers so many great art classes ranging from painting, to computers and even a little metalsmithing and jewelry making, and textiles. I could live there. I am the most artistic unartist I know, or is it unartistic artist. Hmm. I'm reading Love and Logic, a guide on parenting. From what I can surmise over the 1st chapter, it's mostly about offering options and being sympathetic to the demise your child has gotten themselves into. I really enjoy it. "Oh, I'm sorry you have to go to your room because you are talking back to me, maybe next time you won't talk back and then you can stay here and play." This works for me . . .it' so much better than, "Goddammit, I told you to stop fucking talking back to me, get the hell out of my face." Not that I would talk like that, but I swear the thought has gone through my head a couple of times. I did not know that a 4-year-old could be a smartass, but apparently, when it's my son, yes, a 4-year-old can be a smartass. Oh well. You can check it out by clicking the link on my title entry. Meanwhile, it's almost 4pm and I'm gonna try to jam out some Kundalini, clean the house and maybe sew today. Everyday, I try to sew today. What do you try to do every day, but never do? How about you go out and grab some sunshine and remember that the only thing that is standing in your way of today, is you. Make some art, do some yoga, smell the fresh air and kiss your kiddos, pooches, cats, hamsters, birds or wife. Just go give some love.

Yes!!

2006-03-16T02:57:00.000-09:00

I figured out the links. Maybe I will get this HTML shit.

Seeds to Sew

2006-03-07T19:34:00.000-09:00

It's been a good day. I think I'm getting the hang of this work thing, no help from my liberated sista's. I'll get it, just in time for Jake to head off to school. Who knows what I'll do if another one comes along. A while back I mentioned Hip Home Ec. It's a groovy site and book where you can learn, do and interact with all sorts of crafty mamas, of which I aspire to be. I once took a crafter quiz and discovered that I might be best suited for baking and gardening. I'm not good with exact sciences and I love to get my hands dirty. Even though my aspirations are towards sewing, I will admit there is nothing at all more delightful than sticking my very non-manicured fingers into a big pan of bread dough or a moist pile of soil. Today, I did the latter. I had to take care of business during the 1st half of the day, but after lunch, Jake and I got busy digging up 1 of 2 garden plots in our backyard. Jake lost interest pretty quickly but I could not get enough. I couldn't believe how much YAAC (Yoga at all Costs) is really paying off. I had so much more strength than even a year ago and my sustaining squat quota really hung in there (ie. I was able to squat for long periods of time). I was proud of myself. I tilled away for a good couple of hours and then did the craziest thing which I'm sure will result in a barren garden. I just started digging holes and dumping packets of seeds in them, covering them with soil and watering the hell out of them. I got those suckers drunk. I discovered that Sunflower Seeds are just that, Sunflower Seeds. Amazing. I planted a couple of different types of Sunflowers, some Butter Marigolds, some creeping fuzzy thing and a red hot chili seed of some sort. My neighbor picked us up some strawberry plants so I dug some holes for them and stuck them in the ground too. I have no idea how this will all work out, but I'm sure my arms will be sore tomorrow. I love the idea of just tossing a bunch of seeds in and seeing what happens. I've tried the exact science of gardening and not only was it boring, it was unsuccessful. Jake had fun but he hates bugs and we have some nasty red bug that loves Box Elder leaves. I am baffled as to how to deal with it and can't stand the idea of living with it. I plan to get busy studying a very cool, fun and well designed book called "You Grow Girl". It's connected to a website that is linked to my title. No, I haven't gotten around to fixing my link page, as well as buying my shelves, organizing my desk and catching up on my bills. If I didn't have something I was procrastinating on, what the hell would I have to do.
I captured a thought while gardening. Recently, during a catering, I was standing at a buffet line describing the food we were serving and having mild chitter chat with the guests of the party. I explained that I was able to answer any question the guests might have and one fella said, "Whoa, then I'll ask you what next weeks lottery numbers are, haha" and I said, "Yea, if I knew them I wouldn't be here, hahaha". Then he said, "there is the whole meaning of life question" and I just laughed. My brain starting clicking as I realized that I had not even thought about that issue since the inception of that wondrous young boy we call Jake. I decided that the question must of only arisen after mankind had reached a point of being able to actually choose to not have children. I deduced that the real answer to the question, "why are we here" is to bear children, populate, reproduce, to continue the species, to have children that carry on this one of many species called Human. It keeps it simple. It's a legacy, atleast for me. It's what we take with us when we die, if you want. Or, you don't have to. Thanks to science. And it's good that we have a choice. I guess I was just realizing that I quit pondering my life's existence after Jake. For me, it was all about him. Jake really put it in to perspective and made me realize how huge it is to have a child or my own. I'm sure there are those out there who may regret it. . .I remember hearing how big of a life changer it could be. I really never acknowledged those comments. But now, when I see a couple who is pregnant, with what is obviously their first one. You know the types, thier hair still looks stylish and they have hip clothes on and you can tell they are getting 8 hours of sleep or more, well, I just want to walk up to them and say, "You have no idea what is about to happen to you, words cannot explain the flood of emotion and the sense of responsiblity that you are about to undertake." But, I don't, I just smile and remember when Jake was inside my belly, and . . well, I wish for another chance like that. O.K. Off to walk the dogs.

Got Love if you want, babe.

2006-03-05T05:28:00.000-09:00

I hate to do this to you guys but I'm so on the fucking Kinks and I found a better lyric link. This one is way easier and not so many pop-ups. I love lyrics, it's poetry in action. I started on the Kinks because I couldn't get "Stop Your Sobbing" out of my head. When I popped in the CD I came across this song and I can't get enough of it. Jake even loves it. Good harmonica. Anyway, you know. Shake it.

Got love if you want, babe
Got love if you want, babe
I got love if you want it
I got love if you want it
I got love if you want it
You don’t ask all the while[? ]
You don’t ask all the while[? ]

I love you little woman
I love you little woman
The way your hair hang down
The way your hair hang down
But you mistreating baby, yeah
You been a long town
You been a long town

Got love if you want, babe
Got love if you want, babe
I got love if you want it
I got love if you want it

Another Night Out

2006-03-04T09:18:00.000-09:00

I have linked the title of this blog to an awesome blog that I recently discovered. The Erwin House is being rebuilt in Crestview and the Erwins are talking about it on their blog. It's so great and filled with yummy, nutritional info nuggets about rebuilding and Crestview, etc. I am in awe and secretly wish I had thier life, just kidding. I really like mine. I love Crestview so much and am really happy Joel found our house. I do sometimes, often, fantasize about buying this house and adding on. I love our backyard. This house does have some goodness about it, but Morrow sucks and there ain't much you can do about that. We went out again last night and it was just too much damn fun. The Ron Titter Band is quite excellent. They are soooooo tight and soooooo into what they are doing. It's good to watch. It gets really exciting and then it's over. I could of used a longer set. Someday, I am just going to sit in the audience and drool over the uber hot drummer in the band. Wow. If anyone knows him, pluuuuueeeeez set me up. All the guys are super cute and they were wearing Black and White. Joel was strutting around 6th street like a bad boy that just left the wedding. It was hot. All my good and dear friends were out and the Tacodeli Mafia showed their support as always. Tacodeli. Good friends. Loyal supporters. I shelled out half a weeks pay for a babysitter again, but it's worth it to be young for a night. It's the cinderella complex. I get all gussied and go out for the night, race home by 3am to turn into Mom again. Joel and I stayed up till 4am, chatted wit da babysitter a bit, then passed out to tunes on the radio. It was all romantic and mom and dad need more nights out. Oh Beast! played after Ron Titter and I was swept back to the old days of oooogling over good bands. I'm really glad I lived it up when I did, pre-Jake. Hopefully, no one noticed the old fart grooving to the music. It's Sunday now and I'm finishing up this post. I did my 7 miler yesterday with my counselor, Penny. I have decided walking 7 miles is mentally like being washed, dried, ironed and folded. I feel so purged afterwards. Loverly. O.K. So, I broke down and did a myspace but I'm cheating by linking this blog to it. So . . .much . . .easier. I'm done. MUST . . DO . . YOGA. Go Ron Titter! You are my God.

Inside my brain . . .

2006-02-25T19:30:00.000-09:00

My links are fucked up and I'm dying to put up a link list, just understand that I have not chosen to not have a link list, I just really don't know how to reinstate it and that sucks. I'm working on it. Anyway . . .

Can you hear this song in your head by Frankie Valli.

Oh, what a night.
Late December back in '63.
What a very special time for me,
'Cause I remember what a night.

Oh, what a night.
You know, I didn't even know her name,
But I was never gonna be the same.
What a lady. What a night.

Oh, I. I got a funny feeling when she walked
In the room and I,
As I recall it ended much too soon.

Oh, what a night,
Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me.
She was everything I dreamed she'd be.
Sweet surrender, what a night!

I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under.
Oh, what a night!

Oh, I. I got a funny feeling when she walked
In the room and I,
As I recall it ended much too soon.

Oh, what a night.
Why'd it take so long to see the light?
Seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right.
What a lady, what a night!

I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinnin' my head around and taking my body under.
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do

That song is in my head right now. You too can find the lyrics to any song in your head by just going to the link connected to this title.

If I were amazing . . .

2006-02-25T06:37:00.000-09:00

this is what I would do. Not only would I do yoga everyday, I would share the love by updating my yogadenada blog regularly, imparting all my insight about stay-at-home yoga with the masses, dropping in on my readers to help adjust poses, dim lights, light incense and rearrange artwork in order to get a proper view for balance. I would sew everyday and post pics regularly to my angrykitty blog. My wardrobe would be a collection of thrift digs, ripped and resewn and cool skirts made from the cloth in the sale bin at the local fabric store. I would be slowly starting my novel about growing up in the 70's with the original divorcee, simultaneously studying magazines from the 70's to do my cultural background work. Enlightened by my research, I would share the information by scanning the cool ads and photos from these great magazines from the 70's (Life, Better Homes & Gardens, etc.) and posting them in my blog. I would regularly release my inner emotional struggles through poetry and I would be studying creative writing, typesetting and design in order to provide myself with a skill that would enhance my money making abilities. Finally, I would buy a home here in lovely Crestview, and proceed to build a fantastic Dwellish, environmentally-correct home that we could live in until Jake and (maybe, a someday, Lola-type, if we can muster the energy to actually try again) other sibling type graduate from school. Oh yeah, I would also have a veggie and herb garden and maybe do a bit of knitting on the side. Instead, I do yoga, do some walking, clean the house all the time, hang out with Jake, read lots of magazines and drink wine, oh, I forgot, I WORK. FUCK WORKING. I hate working. We women took on toooooooo much when we said we would hold down the household, bear children and work. Who ever came up with this women's lib stuff is a pain in my ass. I'd just as soon go back to my grandma's world. Argh. So frustrating. I am channeling Grandma, I know she's out there, watching over me, hopefully she can give me some insight. On a lighter note, another thing I am doing is attempting to walk my ass off for the 3dayorg walk for Breast Cancer in October. Hold on to your ass because what I'm about to say may shock you. I am going to walk 60 miles in 3 days. Ouch. I walked 7 miles last night and I had to sleep in until 8:30am today. Yes, I know that's funny considering I used to sleep until noon regularly, but these days 6:30am is sleeping in, so, yeah, I basically slept all day today. Nonetheless, my dear friend Denise and I are planning to raise $2200.00 individually and walk in the 3dayorg walk. I know it's going to be awe inspiring and amazing and Joel said that he would do it if I got preggers. So, I have no idea what kind of effect that will have on him. Should be excellent. You sleep in tents at night along the way. I think it might hurt a bit because 7 miles is a push, but I'm going to try to build up to 15 miles in the next few months. Maybe it will get rid of this bellyo'mine that I've been lugging around for a year now. I also wanted to do it because I have experienced the shock of breast cancer in a very close relationship, a friend of mine who survived an agressive attack, but also because I never knew my beautiful Grandma Oma who was taken from my mom at a very young age by the ravages of breast cancer. Because of that, cancer is a fear that both my mom and I live with. If you are interested in the 3dayorg walk, hit the title of this blog and it will link you to how to get involved. You don't have to do it in Texas, you can do it all over this great land we call America, the United States. Oh yes. Need . . .more . . .coffee.

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T07:16:00.001-09:00

I know all you guys who are married and such think you have it figured out about love and all but really . . you just never know. I thought I would be with my first husband forever and on the day of our divorce I actually thought we would get back together. No. That will never happen and we were not together forever, only 14 frigging years of my life. No big deal. Really, I thought that my boyfriend after Mark was the love of my life. My perfect fella, but no, he was not the final one for me, though he was good and I do still care for him. We remain friends and that is most important, kind of sacred. No, I think I have it figured out with Joel, it's called kids and sex (oh, I get it, trouble, sex makes kids). For Joel and I, it's "We will make this work for the Boy." But mostly, he continues to be my best friend. The one I want to be with at the end of the day, even if we have fought all day, and we do fight all day. But really, I knew we were the one when I put our names into the love calculator and it gave us a 99 percent chance. I mean Mark and I had a 33 percent chance. That says it all. You should really try it. Just click on the title of this entry and you to can get the closest thing to truth about your love. Meanwhile, do yourself a favor and go get some love on this holiest of love days. Joel and I took yesterday off and had a whole day of doing what we used to do when we didn't have anything to do. If you are married and have kids, you should do this regularly. If you arn't married and you don't have kids but you are in a relationship, you should appreciate your time together. AND. . .if you aren't married and you are single, hell, you should go do whatever the fuck you please because you can and you can never know how nice that is until it's not there anymore. So, go sign up for a 9-day yoga retreat today. That's what I would do. Happy Valentine's Day.

Penis, Women and Rock & Roll!?"

2006-01-19T19:20:00.000-09:00

I feel bad for not having any links in my titles. I feel like it's my obligation. I feel worse that I have no links on my blog. I made the mistake of playing with my template and I lost all my links. There were some good ones and that is what makes it so bad. I've been listening to an awesome CD burned by a good friend (an ex-boyfriend) of mine. He burned it for Joel and I can only say. . .check out these bands: Cat Power, Holly Golightly, Kings of Leon and Magnetic Fields. I'm not going to share anymore, these are around and I know you can find them. Sometimes a band is so good, you don't want to let anyone in on the secret. Oh, I just thought of a link. If you don't read BUST, you should. It's the best fucking magazine ever. It's revolutionary. I wait, trembling at my mailbox every other month, for my next issue. I call the office if I notice that an issue is out and not at my mailbox. It's so good, I pour over every page, soaking it in like a chocolate addict eating a bonbon. Thank god for BUST, it saved me while living in that GOD FORSAKEN SHITHOLE CALLED COLORADO. Fuck COLORADO. I HATE COLORADO. O.K. Feeling better after I got that off my chest. So, Joel has been gone alot lately. Crazy, best friend visits, friend of family dies, band practice, catering, etc. So, Jake and I are getting to be very chummy. He loves me, what can I say. Today he explained to me that I was a WOMAN. "Yes, I am a woman." "Claire is a woman," he explains, (Claire is his best bud and Godparents child). "Yes, Claire is a woman," I reply. "I am a man," he states. "Yes, you are a man." I said. "Why am I a man?" He asks. "You are a man because you have a penis." I said. "And it's gonna get you in alot of trouble," I mumbled. "Someday," he said, "I'm going to have a big penis like Dad." "Yes, You Are," I exclaimed. He had his hands in the air, "This big." Hands spread wide, my heart filled with pride. That's my boy. He knows what he's got and he knows where he's going, now, let's just hope he knows what he's doing with it. Hit the link for BUST magazine.

A day OFF

2006-01-17T15:42:00.000-09:00

It doesn't seem like it to most, but I work every day. Every day, including today, I take care of Jake, clean the house, wash clothes and even sometimes, cook a meal. I also squeeze in a little of that crazy stuff called paid work. Today, I am currently cleaning the house and this morning I did a little paid work. But, more than anything . . .I took today off. It was awesome. I did not shit-fucking-shit all morning except surf the internet and hang out with Jake while he hid under blankets, played with trains, worked on the Thomas the Train interactive CD's and just goofed off. We never turned on the TV, which was a fucking miracle. Finally, we headed out the door to do one responsible thing then I buzzed around doing things I always want to do but don't because I expect him to be an asshole and he was awesome. We went to a fabric store, a book store and a beauty store. Success at all three. It was beautiful and we went on a great dog walk and I observed my son, visualizing what he would be like in the future, as he crazily road his bike down this hill into a big mound of leaves, then hauled the bike back up the hill to do again. I was convinced he would break his neck everytime, but everytime . . .he made it. It is so exciting to see the daredevil in him and to see his willingness and willfullness to carry his bike up the hill himself. My god, he's becoming a boy. Now, I'm being responsible and picking up before we dig into a big bowl of popcorn and watch a japanese anime movie. It's a tradition with us to watch tv and eat popcorn when Dad's out of town, and, well, Dad's out of town. What a day.

These guys rrrrrock!

2005-12-30T08:40:00.000-09:00

Hit the link and you will see. WWRTD. I finally got to see the darling man I call a husband rock it out with his new band "The Ron Titter Band" and I was pleasantly pleased. There is nothing better than seeing him play and we got to go out and be rockstars for the night. Babysitter came and took care of the Jake and though the pocketbook is hurting today and my brain is hurting today, I feel 10 years younger. It's good to know that I can still hit the town and have some fun. It's almost 12 noon and I have done absolutely nothing. All the guys in the band are awesome and I think they are really on to something. Strangely, the bands went downhill after them. It was thier first show and they were tight. You could really feel the presence of Ron Titter. As a woman of 41, there is something really sexy about a bunch of guys rocking it out that you know take it seriously and are dedicated. All the music is on and the lyrics are hilarious. Greg is an outstanding frontman. Go see them. It was so much fun having a drink at Club de Ville and checking out all the fashion. I am desperate for a grandma type. What to do. What to do. O.K. I am on project diet. Gotta lose the fat. Think I'll go check out my cardio tapes now. Just wanted to spread the word of Ron Titter. I think we need a holiday. You know, trees, gifts, big meals, in celebration of the birth of Ron Titter. Can I bitch about Chistmas a bit. No, I'll save that for another entry.

Super Heroes, Tampax and Feminism

2005-11-17T11:21:00.000-09:00

I typed this title to tuck away in my mind a memory of a day that happened quite a long time ago but is pretty fucking relevant right about now. Men, now is the time to "avert your eyes" because what I'm about to describe is going to disgust you. I have given up on tampons. I am tired of shoving cotton sticks made of god knows what up my twat once a month for 4 days and having to deal with the aftermath. Ladies, I hope you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this story isn't originally about that. I have used mini-pads with tampons for years. Lately, everytime I run into a convenience store to pick up more mini-pads they never have any so I resort to buying max-pads out of desperation. The first pack I brought home was quickly converted into SUPER HERO bands by Jake. He was fascinated by the packaging, ripping open numerous ones and putting them around our wrists like the control pad in The Incredibles. We were both wearing them around the house proclaiming SUPER HERO status. I managed to wrestle the pads away from him without losing all of them in the process. It was the remainder of this packet that turned me on to the fact that maybe tampons weren't for me anymore. I was chatting with my girlie (sistagirl) friend, who's name I will protect in light of the topic, and she said she had stopped wearing tampons. I was intrigued. I tried it out and I felt better. It's a little crazy, old-fashioned and such but I feel like I'm 12 again. I did some more research and found that a few other girlie friends of mine were on the same path. Hmmm. I sat down at my handy dandy notebook computer and did some hunting and pecking. What I wanted to find was that tampons were bad for you and I was on a path of good health. I didn't find anything, but I did discover a website that is worthy of a peruse. These girls are discussing different types of reusable and environmental menustration apparatus thingiemajiggers with wonderful sarcasm. It all made me think of how women are creating there own feminism. Feminism had taken on this new meaning. Before, we were working on gaining equal rights but now we are more about developing ourselves into a more natural form of who we really are. Feminists dress sexy, love to fuck, crochet, cook, sew and more. A feminist doesn't have to leave the house. A feminist is a mother, a stock broker, an artist, a baker, a banker. But most of all a feminist is a woman who is being a woman. Hit the title of this blog and it will link to the site discussing period related products. May you go forward on the path that is best for you.

Boobs, Nipples and HotDogs, Oh My!

2005-11-12T06:17:00.000-09:00

So, last night Joel, Jake, Gus, Red and myself were at the dogpark. Jake and I separated off and we were racing to catch up with Joel and the dogs. I was able to run quite aways and was really impressed with myself because my ankle has given me tons of trouble since the sprain. Finally, I stopped running, saying, "Oh Jakie, Mom's boobs can't take it anymore", (I didn't have a bra on). Jake responded, "Yeah Mom, let's stop, my nipples can't take anymore either". Now, that's some good stuff. We have been having some lengthy conversations about girls and boobs, and boys and nipples. You know, trying to distinguish between the two and such. It's so much fun to break out in a run like a little kid again, the one good thing you can do for yourself and your child is to break out and break down and get on thier level and just be a kid again. It's easy. And it all goes in stride with something I just read today that really cracked me up. It came from an awesome article in The Sun Magazine. It's an excerpt from Rob Brezsny's new book "Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia". This is a brief piece in the article. The whole article is linked to the title to this entry. Rob Brezsny is the author of Free Will Astrology which is a syndicated feature in many free weeklies around the country. If you haven't ever seen it, well, I'm not sure what to say. He's very fun and wise and quirky and awesome.

"Make me one with everything," the buddhist monk said to the hog-dog vendor who was hawking food near the temple. The vendor made a frank with mustard, ketchup, relish, and onions. The monk took it and handed over a twenty-dollar bill. The vendor stashed the cash in his apron and turned his attention to the next customer. "But where's my change? the monk inquired. "Change must come from within, my friend, " said the vendor.

This article really focuses on a belief I have been pursuing for sometime, relentlessly at points. You have the choice to decide how you will perceive things. You can look at everything in your life with a negative influence or you can turn every single moment into a positive experience. It's easy to preach it but how easy is it to live it. I fail everyday, and I am reminded everyday of the absolute miracles in my life, mostly through Jake. Negative begets Negative. Is that right? Negative thoughts are like a nasty infection, eating it's way through lives and spreading itself everywhere, no stone left unturned. Stop, take a breath, and look around your life at what you can be thankful for. See the positive in every step. Nothing is directly happening to you. You just happen to be in the way at that moment. Anyway, catch a read. The Sun continues to awe me with outstanding literature in spite of themselves.

Just in time for Christmas

2005-11-05T05:31:00.000-09:00

I know I've linked to her before but hey, she's my bestest of friends and I can't help myself. I love what she's doing. So, if you are looking for a truly unique gift or an awesomely beautiful card (that's 100% environmental) then hit the link to her site. Just surf around and you will find cool cakes that are made of wooden bases with her 100% locally drawn art pieces on them and coated with a caustic wax top. Check it out on her site because I suck describing it. Her cards are printed on paper that have seeds embedded in it and she uses soy ink so it's the gift that keeps giving. You and your child, mother, grandmother, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, dog, cat, etc. can plant this card and the memory will live on forever (as long as you water it regularly). Anyway, just check it out and you will see that she does a much better job of describing it than me. O.K. stay tuned for lots of positive living reading. My yoga is staying on track and making me feel very good about my core. Gotta get up and clean, clean, clean. The story of my life. Have a good week.

Caramel Apples

2005-10-30T06:15:00.000-09:00

So, I do not make pretty caramel apples. But, I'm sure they are good. The time change was right out of nowhere. I mean, whoa. So, I was up bright and early, doing my YAAC and then making caramel apples before 9am. Here I am giving all of my 2 readers an update on life as a homemaker. As it turns out, there are all kinds of fancy recipes for a good caramel apple, but I just melted them and dunked them and rolled them in walnuts I had leftover from the last shoot. I'm excited. Anyway, for any of you trying to do some apple dunking in the next two days I have provided a link of fancy recipes. Do tell, how do you melt your caramels?

Hip Home Ec, Cooking and so much more

2005-10-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

So, we made it to the beach and back and I've somehow got a handle on my new routine, YAAC, YOGA AT ALL COSTS. Since we have returned I've been trying out this new thing that's an old thing called "cooking supper". Nutty. I've discovered an awesome book I wish I'd had around when I was a single chicky called, "Hip Home Ec, Get Crafty" by Jean Railla. It's really wonderful with handy tips about sewing, gift making, girl power and what you need to have in your fridge at all times. I'm still fantasizing about a life of cooking, sewing, baking, gardening, yoga and such. Halloween is upon us and I'm dreaming of pumpkins and candied apples. We went to a fun carnival at Travis Heights elementary and ate all kinds of bad stuff like corn dogs, sausage wraps, flavored ice, cookies, cupcakes and popcorn. Ooooh. We went through a scary haunted house and I had a ladybug painted on my face. We went with old friends and it was a lovely evening. Jake has decided to be spiderman, so we will see how that goes when we actually put the costume on him. Independent minded fella that he is, you never know which direction he will go. I've got a new handle on the yoga thing. I have decided that I have to do it every day. It's important for my mental well-being and makes me feel better than just about anything else (except for orgasms, teehee), jeez did I just say that out loud. So, with that said, I have explained to "THE JAKE" that he can watch me, do it with me, or go to his room. That seems fair. Part of watching me is sitting on the couch giggling and saying "butt, butt, butt" every time the instructor does a "hiney in the air" pose. Oh well, I still see it as progress as long as he does not climb on me. I'll be honest, I have not pursued my efforts of being a rollergirl impersonator. I'm still trying to perfect my impersonation of myself, which is pretty fucking hard I might add. Still working on me, yup, trying to figure out just who I am don't ya know, yep, yep, yep. So, let me know if you have any clues. So, in closing, I will just say that the trip to Port Aransas was so amazing and beautiful and perfect. We had to leave the pups behind because it was too damn pricey to bring them. The Beachgate encourages you to not bring them by charging $15.00 per night, per dog. OUCH. It was actually very relaxing not having them and we really focused on Jake, eating and drinking beer. We just pondered and wandered the beach and Jake was so happy there was a permanant smile on his face that was downright goofy. We promised ourselves regular visits. As our good friend Dave said last night . . .every 7 days, every 7 weeks, every 7 months, every 7 years. It's been a while for us and we truly embraced it.

Jake and Yogurt and Yoga

2005-10-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here with Jake, while he eats yogurt and I drink tea and I'm trying to explain to him why I want to do yoga and why I wish he wouldn't crawl on me while I do it. I want him to share yoga with me, I want him to learn to appreciate it. But, when I do it, he crawls all over me like a monkey. It's a bummer. We are packing up the fam and heading to the coastal of town of Port Aransas, Texas. It's wonderful and I'm so excited I could pee. I have not seen the ocean since January 2004. That was Hawaii and it was awesome, but going to Port A is liking going home. I've been visiting that town since I was in 3rd grade. That's a long time. I haven't been there in years. It's a healing process and we are always in need of a little healing. We are staying at the everlasting, everlovin' Beachgate. Once again, been going there for years too. This is Jake's 1st visit to the Texas coast and he's really excited. Click on the title entry and you can see a very fun place to stay in Port A.

Inner Peace

2005-10-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

Is it possible. How can I justify trying to impart such a thing when I am so far from it myself. Though I will not deny you that I am feeling closer to it now than I have in a while. As I creep ever so closely to my 41st birthday I know that I am entering a very favored decade. Many women say that this decade and turning 50 was one of the greatest turning points of thier lives. A time of happiness, security and comfort. I know that this can be true. Of course, financial freedom always helps and I'm sure that many women attain it moving into thier 40's. I guess you either accept who you are or figure out what you are about. Either way, I am still a little confused by all of it. All I know is that I am Jake's mom. That's good. The rest is just eggs in the fridge, the last spoonful of peanut butter, a found candybar in the fridge, the 10 dollar bill in the dryer. You get it, right. Joel and I embark in the last 3 months before starting the last effort to have a 2nd child. I would by no means say we are desperate, but we would really love to have a baby in the house. Jake wants it too, more than we can imagine. He talks about twins, a baby brother and a sister. TWINS. O.k. I can do that. YOU CAN DO IT! I yell to my ovaries, my eggs, Joel's sperm. Let's clean up our act and get the hell out of Dodge. I want to start trying yesterday, damnit. I have to try so hard to ignore that little, evil voice in my head that says "You can't do it, you've tried, it won't work. You are destined to one only child." And, that is not so bad, but I keep seeing a little girl. And is that so wrong. I had her in my damn hands and she slipped away. So, we try again. Other than that, we are balancing the act of making money and having a life. We don't do either with leisure. No middle ground here, only highs and lows. I heard an amazing interview with John Lennon on KUT, 90.5 (Austin). I continue to be amazed by him and really by the Beatles. I dug up Jake's 1st album, The Beatles 1, Greatest Hits. It's awesome. Diverse. Try to check the interview out on KUT archives. I couldn't find it, but I was in a hurry. Start a donation jar for my yogayoga certification. If you donate, I guarantee you free yoga lessons for life. Yes, I'm liking that idea a lot. Adios, Ciao, Aloha, Shalom. Happy New Year.

For all you readers . . .

2005-09-24T07:28:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this blog, I have decided to spend some time on my yogadenada blog. It's for building and assisting an at-home yoga practice. So, take a look and I will work on it over the weekend. I'm still working on my rollergirl impersonation and I just found out about something called punkrockyoga in Seattle. Wow. Check it out by hitting the title of this entry. It's so cool and I may just have to wrap it into my aspirations of a certification at YogaYoga. Well, all my preparations for a big storm today are for naught. I guess we won't even get a drop of rain. Joel wins this bet.

More Rollergirl & Molotov

2005-09-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

So last night we went and saw the band Molotov. It fucking rocked and I got so excited I had to drink a beer, which I have sworn off as of late. As I always say, if you don't know Molotov, get to know them, they are a hardcore, talented, Mexican rock band that make you want to jump up and down and yell "Chinga Tu Madre" at the top of your voice. Can you do that? I couldn't. I was very poised. Anyway, after much discussion, Joel and I decided that I would prep to be a Rollergirl. I'm gonna build up muscle, get lean, fuck up my hair, go crazy, get tattoos and basically grow into my own. I'm gonna learn how to rollerskate. But, I'm not going to become a Rollergirl because I can't even kill a spider so how could I possibly elbow a chick in the chest. Please stay tuned for any updates on my shaping up to be a non-Rollergirl that looks like a Rollegirl. Yeah, a Rollergirl impersonator. Oooooh. I need a name.

I wanna be a Rollergirl

2005-09-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Really. I just got my latest issue of BUST magazine and once again I am rocked off my ass by this amazing piece of literature that excites me to no end. There was a spread on Rollergirls and I got so excited. I mean in this world of exquisite and exhaustingly expensive fashion, the Rollergirls have got a style that is in my heart and soul. Being a mom who has to escort my son to the wonderful Jewish Community Center, I am so hyperaware of what I look like and I really am not cutting it. Even when I try to look normal, I get so frustrated and end up in some half-baked outfit that just makes me look like trouble. If I were a Rollergirl no one would care what I looked like because I would be a Rollergirl and I would be one tough ass chick. I could get a bunch of tattoos (but I can't afford them, and I would have tons if I could afford them) and keep my hair all bleached and fucked up and have blackeyes and bruises and maybe even lose a tooth. I am going to go get some rollerblades and start skating tomorrow damnit. I wonder if they will have me. I mean I have never even broken one single bone. I'm terrified. Will these girls really be mean or are they really sweethearts who just look mean. I'm so excited. I'm going to be a Rollergirl. Now, I just gotta learn how to skate.

The Peace Book and John Lennon

2005-09-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

In reading these lyrics, I remember that there was a time when people wanted peace and pursued it at the cost of their own lives. I want something greater than withdrawal from Iraq, which I understand is impossible right now. I want something more than the equality of all beings, black, white, brown, red, yellow and purple. I want a world where my son can grow up not pointing a gun at another man, woman or himself. I want a world where global warming is a history lesson on what we did right to change it. I want us to work with each other not against each other. I don't know what happened in New Orleans. I know as much as I can reading the CNN reports and watching 20/20. I know that it was bigger than the Mayor or the Governor or the President or the Federal Government. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. But more importantly, what are we as people doing for our future. Are the hurricanes a result of global warming? Were the people of New Orleans left to sit in their own shit because they are black or because they are poor. Why is it that people live in this country at a poverty level that I cannot imagine even though I can barely pay my bills every month. The distribution of money in this country should be brought into question during this immense tragedy following on the heels of Iraq. I know that 911 is a distress call. If my house was flooding and I was trapped in my attic I would call 911 and I would assume that all efforts would be made to get me out of my attic. New Orleans issued a 911 and it was as if there were no directions to the location. I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but when I step back and look at the big picture I see a national problem that is bigger than whether the mayor or governor did their job correctly or whether even the president handled things properly. I see the United States driving at warp speed down a dead end road. With that said. . .I bought a book called "The Peace Book, 108 simple ways to create a more peaceful world". And I'm trying to understand the environmental issues that might be at play through natural disasters. I have so many thoughts coursing through my heart and mind and I'm not sure where it is all leading to. I guess I just feel that New Orleans brought into play the horrible unbalance in America. I'm subject to these issues. Joel and I work hard to take care of our lives but we run behind every month. We have college degrees and we make good money. What happens to those who weren't given the opportunities that we were. Why is it that we can't get a balance in this world. We are so busy spreading democracy that we have forgotten how to take care of our own. If you click on the title of this entry you will be sent to the Humane Society of the United States. I cannot get the animals off my mind during this tragedy. I have signed up to take a dog. It saddens my heart to see all these animals searching for their owners. Thanks for letting me pour my heart out.

Buffalo Springfield Struck a Note

2005-09-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I've got to beware

Think it's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

There's battle lines being drawn again
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong again
Young people speaking their minds once again
So much resistance from behind

Think it's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people standing in the street
Singing songs and carrying the signs, oh no
They mostly say "hooray for our side"

We've got to stop
Hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
Step outta line the men come and shoot you down

Think it's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound
Hey, hey, hey we've got to stop and take a look around
No, no, yeah stop, hey, what's that sound hey, hey, hey
We've got to stop and take a look around

Think it's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound
Look what's going down yeah, yeah, yeah

Bush Sucks

2005-09-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

I think I can comfortably say that if there were ever a time to feel justified in your disgust for a president, now is it. As Bush smirked and tried to squirm out of why the people of New Orleans have not received immediate help, I was appalled and once more completely embarrassed to be an American. Finally, maybe now, the American people as a whole can see what an absolutely ego-centric imbecile of a president we have leading (????) our country. Attached to this title is an interview with New Orlean's Mayor, Ray Nagin. This interview gave me chill bumps. If you know someone right now who is seemingly and wholy unaffected by this situation, walk over right now and fucking punch them for me, please. I'm disgusted by the apathy. I'm so tired of living in a country where international involvement continually takes precedent over saving, helping and assisting the poor, innocent people victim to natural disaster. This isn't just happening to those people in New Orleans, watch how we are all affected by this. How much more grief must we be subjected to. Now is the time to get up off your ass and do something. Read this interview and maybe you, me and everyone will understand a little bit more about what's happening in New Orleans. Those people LEFT behind couldn't leave, couldn't fathom it. It's like warning an ant bed before you poor gasoline on it. They wouldn't hear you and they wouldn't know what to do because they wouldn't understand what you are saying. This is New Orleans. These people have lived here for generations. It wasn't going to happen to them. Right. You know this feeling. It won't happen to me. Well, just wait, because it will. Now is the time to take a stand and make a voice be heard. The lop-sided way of doing things in this country has got to turn around or we as a state, a country, a world and race will never survive. Next up, the insurance companies are refusing to reimburse the victims of New Orleans because it was a flood, not a hurricane. Hold that thought while I dig up some ammunition on the most fucking corrupt business since the government.

My heart goes out to New Orleans.

2005-09-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

I can remember spending Christmas in New Orleans. My ex and I would eat Christmas Dinner then head out on the 8 hour drive to New Orleans to spend the rest of Christmas in some hotel, gambling and drinking until all hours of the morning. I remember driving my mom to New Orleans to drop her car on the boat to go to Bahrain. We stopped off at the coastal towns and laughed because we couldn't understand cajun. Trading off who would get out of the car to get directions. I remember walking the streets and fantasizing of starting a new life there. It's culture is so far-reaching, the beautiful, colorful people of New Orleans. I just found a copy of Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins and considered re-reading it for the 3rd time. Now, I think my heart would ache hearing the descriptions of that crazy city. Will New Orleans ever recover and what happens to all of those poor people who have lost everything. It makes me appreciate my extremely humble life and puts everything in perspective in terms of money and success. I'm so grateful for my son and husband and my little house and all my family. Joel's dear friend Happy has left his home with his 3 year old son, wife and new born baby. They have left everything behind including thier financial resources. If you click on the title of this entry you will be sent to a CNN site that is open to people reporting thier personal experiences of this tragedy. It's important to read these entries and know the very first hand experiences of people just like you and me whose lives are being upended by this horrible mishap, and those survivors who narrowly missed death. If you have the resources, please consider donating. If you have too many clothes, clean out your closets now. Whatever we can do to help our brothers and sisters in this life-changing natural disaster. With that said, I'm off to deal with my own life.

My son is obsessed . . .

2005-08-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

with his butt, my butt, Joel's butt, boobs, vaginas . . .whatever. What does this mean? Please tell me. He told me to eat his butt the other day and I said "no thankyou" and he said "But, I can't eat it all by myself." Huh??? He told his teacher she had big boobs the other day. And she does. Speaking of teachers. We had our first at-home project to complete. We had to decorate a body outline to look like Jake. We went to Hobby Lobby and picked up stickers, yarn, beads, etc. Jake was most interested in squishy paint brushes that burp paint out on the page when you squeeze them. I was definitely keeping control of the project but gave him a nice creative rein. It was fantabulous in that classic way I have of making art look like a 3-year-old did it, but really he did it, no damnit, really. Anyway. I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to deliver it with him to school the next day (yes, we did it at the last minute, what do you expect) because I thought I might have to work early, but, I got to proudly carry our work of art to class. I was so damned excited, I delivered it to the teacher, expecting some sort of praise, like "Oh my, this is the best one, you win $1000.00 bucks." But, Sarita (the teacher) just graciously took it and proclaimed "How cute!". Jake was completely oblivious to the whole thing. He's super. He loves Chabbat and is pronouncing Challah perfectly, even though I screwed it up for a few good days. I'm working a bit right now, trying not to work too hard, but with that said, this is as good as it gets. Let's see if I can attach a pic of that work of art we created.

This could be gross!

2005-08-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

Today Jake would not keep his head out of my butt. Ooooh, Grossssss. You say. Well think about it. For a little boy, there is nothing more entertaining then a big old butt to hit. Now, at 3, Jake's head fits perfectly into the bottom of my butt. He finds it very entertaining to run headlong right into the big old thing. He also thinks it's fucking hilarious to pull up my skirts in public. Today he stood at a bakery with his head shoved right up my butt saying "Don't you fart on my head mom". Now, this is funny because I always make really loud farting noises while I bend over and stuff just to make him laugh. Well, guess what, that's coming back to haunt me almost immediately. HarHarHar. Anyway. It's all fun and games and he will be the clown of the class when he's in school but for now he's just charming them with his good looks and "honeys". I guess his second day at the new school he was playing with a little girl and saying "Bye honey, I'm going to work now". O.K. Well, all I can say is hooray, we got him out of THAT SHITHOLE, STEPPING STONE ON RICHCREEK IN CRESTVIEW. Yes, I've finally got it off my chest. That's the place. Stay away from Stepping Stone. When you have daycare, and I say daycare because that shithole was definitely not a preschool, like they tried to say they were, that has numerous locations then you have trouble. It is very difficult to maintain quality control when you have locations with no one watching them. I don't know what was going on there but Jake came home 3 times with split lips and a large bump on his skull. They did not file accident reports and the teacher did not apologize. The director and the teachers were always in a bad mood, yelling at the kids and rolling thier eyes. We knew there was a problem when Jake did not talk to anyone there in 3 months, and Jake talks to everyone. Even the parents could be depressing, scurrying in to get thier kids, barely looking at each other, no smiles. Anyway, now he is at the JCC-ECP and life is good. He didn't even blink an eye when I left him the 1st day and did not want to leave when I picked him up. I have witnessed numerous hugs from teachers and everybody is smiling and happy. I'm in heaven. This whole school thing is rough but we have it covered for the next 2 years. Then what, I don't know. We will call this my bitch entry. I think I'll go sew. So just so you all know, this new school is Judaic in background. So just to keep things spicy I've linked the above title to a nice little thing called Judaism 101, just in case you need to brush up. Tomorrow is Shabbat. Jake wears a white t-shirt, eats challah bread and says prayers. And he's learning Hebrew. How cool is that. Bet ya never thought it would happen to a girl like me.

More, Natural Health and Creative Visualization

2005-08-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

For any guys who are reading this blog you should probably just hit the link in the title of this entry and go check out some fucking cool tunes to purchase. For all you girls, read on.

The spring after my 40th birthday (yes, it's true) my mother proposed the idea that I get a subscription to MORE magazine, Great Style after 40. I scoffed. I'm the girl who subscribes to Bust and Nylon and ReadyMade. I'm cool, hip and so. . . not 40. I told her "Thanks, but no thanks" and proceeded to hand her a number of subscription cards to magazines I not only wanted, but desperately needed for my social existence. Mom goes home and I settle into my routine and my mail comes everyday. Then, a couple of months ago, low and behold, in comes my 1st MORE Magazine through the mailslot in out house. First, I was disgruntled and insulted. My mom never listens to me. But, because I'm a sucker for magazines and to prove to you that I am. . . I have my Bachelors in Magazine Journalism, I could not refrain and had a little looksee. Well, wow, I have to say I was impressed. Right off the bat I noticed plenty of articles about women having babies in thier 40's. And, there were beautiful, strong, intelligent, confident women in the pages that looked normal in size and shape. That's exciting because I am normal in size and shape and beautiful, strong, intelligent and confident, and I'm 40. Hey, I'm starting to like this magazine, damnit. Why is mom always right (some of the time). While we are on magazines let's also chat about NATURAL HEALTH, the Feel, Look and Do Good magazine. I just picked it up at the healthy food store in Ft. Worth and found an awesome article on overcoming infertility, 14 natural strategies. The information in the article was pretty obvious for alternative methods but it turned me on because I do want to get pregnant again and I would love it if it was a normal pregnancy that went to term with a healthy baby. Wierd, I know. Silly of me to expect something like that, but do you blame me. The article chats about using acupuncture and Chinese Herb therapy to assist in the process of getting pregant. I'm a mixed bag about the topic. I want to work on getting pregnant, not now, but in the new year, but I don't want to try so hard that it consumes us and all our habits. Nonetheless, it certainly never hurts to practice a more healthful way of living and this magazine really turns you onto some wonderful recipes that are simple and pure. It is informative about a way of living that goes hand in hand with a yogic lifestyle (look for my next blog, yogadenada, soon to be premiered here at redtruckbetty). What I want for myself and what I actually do are very different, but I refuse to give up. I visualize being an overall wearing, thick gray hair to my waist, healthy 70-year-old vegetarian, gardening lady who teaches yoga for a living. I am really excited about it too. And . . .that is my segue into a book that I just bought via Amazon (I love you Amazon) called "Creative Visualization, Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life" by Shakti Gawain. I will admit to you that I have read nothing but the forward at this point but I will tell you that this book looks exciting. This book is a 25th Aniversary Edition and has been published in 35 foreign languages. I have seen "What the &%^&# Do We Know" and I have to tell you that I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I believe that we are responsible for our destiny and I do believe that things happen for a reason and that we are creating our reality every minute of the day. I feel that this book will go hand in hand quite lovely with the effects of "What the *&*^&% Do We Know". You can find the documentary on Netflix. If you haven't seen it, it might just change your life. I've visualized some good things into my life. I've got the amazing husband and the beautiful son and I'm happy and I'm getting what I want emotionally and sexually and lovingly. What I would like is financial comfort and what I would love is just one more little baby. I have empty arms that need to hold a baby, cuddling up to me in the middle of the night and depending on me for all of it's needs. I'm not ready to give up that hope. So, I am hoping with the education I was taught by watching "What the (*&(^&^) do we know" and the inspiration I might gain from reading "Creative Visualization" I might actually find a place where I am not wanting so much and living more in a "filled with inner peace" sort of way. So, in closing, I have made a decision that I will tell my story about what happened to us with Sophia. Everyone knows a very light version of what went down but I want to share what happened in detail. I need to get it out of me and onto paper. So, stay tuned if you are interested and if not, skip over it. That's on the next entry. For now, must wash clothes, sweep, mop, make beds, have periods, carry babies, make money, make love and such. Love to all.

We Survived!!!!!! And check out Patti Smith!

2005-07-23T06:29:00.000-08:00

Joel and I have now, officially, lived through what may have been the most stressful week of our lives and we came out of it with just a few scratches. We are a bit beat up and "the Jake" has a cold and I have discovered Coors Light, but it's all o.k. (Joel isn't talking to me about the Coors Light). The 3-day-shoot for me coinciding with Joel's catering, was a series of ships passing through the day and night. I would get up at 4:30am and go to work, Joel would take Jake to school at 7:30am, race to the kitchen cook and deliver, go home, get Jake and hang with him until I got home, we would drink a beer together, he would go back to the kitchen and prep until midnight, come home and go to bed. While he was gone I would wrangle the little spitfire into a bath and bed and try to pick up the house. Argh. I am spent, done, beat and Joel had to get up and do it all over again today for another catering. God, I hope he lives through it. "The Jake" was so stressed by Thursday that we asked Uncle Rol to watch him on Friday. It was so beautiful and they seemed to work out just fine. Oh, if Rol could just be his nanny, it would be perfect. Anyway, recovering now. What's next? I DON'T KNOW. Joel, my superstar, is going to save the world with his food. I love it. He's a fucking rockstar of the catering world. I love him. How lucky am I to have found him. ONWARD. I got my latest subscription of The Sun and there is a fucking amazing interview with Patti Smith. Check it out by clicking on the title of this blog entry. If you don't know who she is or never bothered, get to know her. She's the original female rocker poet and she's a mom too. She's speaking about the atrocities of this fucked war we complacently sit by and let happen. The quote that rocked me to the core was "Once you become a mother, every child becomes your concern". This was so real, and true. How, as parents, we can sit by passively knowing that other mothers and fathers are watching thier children be blown to bits by bombs and guns that our tax dollars pay for makes me SICK. I'm done and I told Joel that we had to make a decision about where we stand. Then I realized that it was a personal decision and in many ways I couldn't convince him to do anything until he's ready. You can act for the war, against the war, or remain in some neutral cow stance gazing towards that not so distant middle ground that allows you to pretend that it really isn't happening because it's not in our backyard, but it will be soon enough. Another thing she mentions in the article moved me because of it's unaccepted truth. I quote, "I remember that when Jimmy Carter was president, he actually inspired me. He asked the American people to sacrifice. He asked us to bring down our thermostats, to use less energy, to buy fewer material things. He asked us to strip away a lot of what we didn't need and in that way to help our environment. He also asked us to develop ourselves spiritually and mentally". Jimmy Carter is truly the only real, good, honorable, active president that I can recall in my lifetime. I believe people ridiculed him because he was ahead of his time. Even today, 2005, he is so far in the future. By the time this country is ready for a president like Carter, it will be too fucking late. Clinton stuck a cigar up Monica's twat and Reagan, Bush and little Bush have depleted all of our resources and drained our public assistance programs in order to blow up other people's countries. What about we the people. What our we doing for the great U.S. of A. Anyway, I could go on forever. I'm drained and often disgusted by my association with this country, but also thankful for the freedom's that I have been given merely by being born on this continent. Life is a catch-22. So, I am going to go work on a compost pile, grow my own veggies, rip up old clothes and make new ones and take old furniture and refurbish it. I'm gonna ride my bike instead of driving my car, do some yoga and get some love for my fellow man through some sort of spiritual force. AND, I am going to put a sign in my yard that says "American's for PEACE". And maybe, I'll make a difference. God, it's so hard to freely state your opinion when you are simultaneously trying to save your 3-year-old's life.

Ahhhhhhh

2005-06-29T08:28:00.000-08:00

I went to drop Jake at school again today leaving a hole in my heart when I left him ( I wonder if anyone noticed) and my stomach in complete knots. Where was I going to day Miss Jobless, well to interview a new school. Do I feel better about it, well yes in many ways other than the fact that it is pretty big, but there are great things about it. It's all a group of kids that are the same age so I know my little precious urchin won't be getting the shit kicked out of him by the school age kids he is grouped with regularly at the undisclosed current school. All said, on August 15th Jake starts at a new school and I have to love it damnit.

How Could I

2005-06-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

I just dropped off Jake at the not to be mentioned so-called "pre-school" and once again I am ill. I give up trying to give these guys a 2nd chance over and over. It really works for us in so many ways but I seriously believe that we have to give up our selfish time in the afternoon of biking and such and bite the bullet for a more formalized pre-school. When he goes to elementary school he will be going the same hours as these pre-schools. Right now he is in some sort of daycare that calls itself a pre-school. Damnit. He's just too precious to do this to. It was such chaos that I considered bringing him back home. Then things settled down some and I was able to leave him feeling like he would be o.k. Why, so I can come back here and worry about him on my blog. Yesterday turned out o.k. in the end. I went to Shannons and all 3 boys played like crazy while we lolled around in chairs talking about all the things we should be doing and laughing at the French who she said totally ingore thier children (according to one French she knows, I don't believe it though). Jake fell asleep on the couch naked at 8:30 and woke in the middle of the night to crawl into our bed. While he was asleep on the couch we finally scored some much needed alone time which was very, very, very, berry delicious and nice. Well, I have an appointment with another program on Wednesday at 9am so switching schools it may be. I've been talking about it ever since he started here at this unbelievably convenient school. OH, in closing, I happened to get a glance at a fax at the school being the nosy bee I can be and saw that they were notifying directors of pool safety as there have been some drownings at the pool where they have classes. Ha. I had decided long ago that Jake was not taking classes unless I was there so atleast I don't have to worry about that. Dear God. I'm fearful.

Check this site out

2005-06-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

Don't look at my desk, check out this cool site. I have a ton of paperwork to tend to but can't stand dealing with it. I really want to do 2 hours of yoga, ride my bike for an hour and try out the sewing machine. I'm a non-crafting crafter. Oh, the dreams I have, they would make your mind spin. Check out the above link for really cool things you can get made by other people who are doing what I ought to be doing. Very one-of-a-kind for the one-of-a-kind mama with a price that is reasonable. Off to do yoga.

Cool Shit

2005-06-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

If you read this you need to check her out. She's cool.

Pain in the Ass

2005-06-26T05:33:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write this really beautiful entry with a cute picture of Jake painting at SEVEN O'CLOCK ON A SUNDAY MORNING. I really was trying to make it a beautiful experience. BUT. The camera battery was dead so I started charging it then when I got my computer out I totally got distracted by my resume and started working on it then everything went right back to what it has been since 10pm last night. Jake whining and trying to get attention. I'm not sure what is up but he didn't want to go to sleep last night and he doesn't want to wear a diaper to sleep, which makes perfect sense, but he then proceeded to pee all over his mat, which is fine, but he fought me on the mat too, and, I explained that he was going to pee all over the bed, and he did pee on my pillow, which sucked. I'm visualizing a time when he definitely moves out of the family bed. I'm excited. I'm ready. I'm over it. So, now it's 8:38am and he's watching Thomas and the house is a wreck and I'm feeling like a wreck and I think we are just going to get dressed, get tacos and go to the park. Why not. What do we have to lose, maybe I will wear him out and I can get some yoga done. So, it's not the best morning but we will try to make the best of it.

A Day in the Hill Country

2005-06-25T12:14:00.000-08:00

How can you not find this fella adorable. As I watch him grow up into a little man I am truly astounded at the individual he is becoming. He is not just my little boy anymore, but a young man with thoughts and opinions. He has recently become a frustrated artist. Painting daily he melds all the colors together announcing his image and filling it with shape and texture. I quickly swipe them away and hang them up on a bit of yarn with a clothesline clip to dry. He explained to me that he had no need to keep them and wanted them thrown in the trash. My little frustrated artist. How sad to see him inherit that trait. This picture reflects a day IvyAnt and I took him to the flower stand out near Dripping Springs. He met a dog out there and quickly became his friend. We brought beautiful flowers and herbs home and Jake attended to the flowers like the true sensitive soul that he is.

Another day rolls on

2005-06-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

Another day, another day, what will I accomplish today. The hardest time I have is justifying my existence when I am not earning money. My only options are to clean house. That always makes me feel like I am earning my keep. I look around at all these people who are "writers". What does that mean. What does it take to be a "writer"? Am I a writer because I am writing this. Last night I took a long look at my poetry and I questioned. Questioned why it is that angst is the impetus for my poetry. Hatred or anger towards someone conjures up the energy to write a poem. So, I have to learn to observe and write. Life doesn't have to be filled with hate in order to create good poems. So, today I will sit down and conjure a thought, observe a happening, twist a spot. Other than that I guess I'll just go wash the fucking dishes.

Cruising Motherhood

2005-06-23T03:48:00.000-08:00

I'm at my desk again sitting and waiting for something to happen. I stayed up late after the boys and did a little research on concussions as Jake came home with a huge bump on his head from school. As always, my blood level reached a boiling point and as predicted, I wanted to go down there and ring all the teacher's little necks. This motherhood thing can be so crazy, exhausting, daunting, frightening, overwhelming, you choose the word. I'm so scared. I pay people money to care for my son and I get back a damaged little boy. This time it's a bump, what will happen next. I want to keep him home with me and not let anyone touch him. How will I ever let him go out into the world, the big, real, scary place where people drive selfishly, girls break your heart, guys beat the shit out of you, and governments draft you. God. god. goooood god almighty. What's a mother to do. I'm doing my normal cruising through websites last night and I find a blog . . . http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. It obviously made me ponder, what is my secret? Today, it's the terrifying thought of having another child. It terrifies me to try, and if I am successful, it terrifies me to look after them. To save them everyday from the world knowing full well that I am now, officially, an over-protective mother.

And the fun begins

2005-06-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

Well I'm in my 2nd week of unemployment, the days are getting hot and humid and Joel is still working as hard as ever. What this means for me is that I must absolutely get my ass in gear and not only start looking for work but also become the great creator that I so intend to be. Everyday passes and I relish in the fact that I simply don't have to do anything if I don't want. I am truly blown away because I feel like this is too good to be true. I feel wierd dropping Jake off at school and having nothing to do but think. And god can I think. How many ideas can pour through a brain in one day. Plenty. So here is what's next on the agenda. I am going to learn how to sew and while I'm doing that I think I'll start a little newsletter. One for parents about all the cool kid shit they can do. Yeah that's it. And while I'm at it I'm going to interview my friend Shannon on her cakes and get the article printed at Austinmama. I've got to go call her now. Signing off.

Starting Anew

2005-05-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe today will be the 1st day of the rest of my life. Six weeks and 2 days after the birth and death of Sophia I am trying to resume life in a whole new fashion. Recapturing those things that have been given to me before that I scoffed at, I am starting again in my old career of film production. It feels very normal but I have lost the anger that accompanied every shoot. I appreciate the time available and the money seems great after what I've worked for in the last 5 years. $8.00 to $10.00 dollars an hour is damned humiliating and makes me constantly question the bachelor's degree I so desperately pursued and attained and am still paying for and will always pay until I die, I swear. Nonetheless. I am inspired now to spend my time away from production with Jake, writing, sewing and learning everything there is to know about yoga. A physical science I am convinced will assist in our next and necessary stage of evolution. Maybe it's crazy but it just makes sense. Yoga brings your mind and body in alignment with goodness. With that all said, just wanted to get some words on a page. Somewhere.

subject: congrats.

2005-05-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write and say congratulations. My e-mail is redtruckbetty@hotmail.com. If you ever need any advice, help, chat session about the ongoing birth and child process, I will be glad to offer my advice. Are you ready for your whole life to change? Be prepared to experience an emotion you have never, ever experienced before. It's like falling-in-love times 1,000,000. PAIN. Will seem normal. And . . .one look in thier eyes is some sort of strange form of emotional orgasm. BIG. With that said. . . I am always here to provide advice and experience. Just wanted to provide my ten cents worth of word. WORD. Joanna

The Sound of Music

2005-02-15T07:00:00.000-09:00

Music. How lucky of a species are we to be gifted with something so beautiful. Something that is able to reach into our heart, soul and mind and pluck away at memories, not only recalling but ever constantly creating. There is a library of music ranging from Emmylou Harris to a crazy punk rock band named Sexy Finger Champs that marks my life with moments that come alive at the very strike of the 1st chord. I certainly can't forget Cat Stevens from childhood along with Creedence Clearwater, The Jackson Five, The Pointer Sisters, Loretta Lynn and the original Hank Williams. I was fortunate to be raised with an open mind to the diversity of music but I really hadn't seen much until I met Joel. A musician who was raised by four brothers and an amazing father all seeped in the cultural diversity of music. Our vast CD library rambles through Jazz, Blues, Latin, Country, Bluegrass, Soul, Cajun, Classical and so many variations of rock I couldn't begin to sub-divide. As I sit here on a Monday evening, Valentine's no less, listening to Emmylou, I remember the 1st time this album penetrated my life. Marking me in a way so significant I knew that forever this album would represent a turning point, a time when I shed a skin and walked in a new light, an awakening. I was in my early 30's working on a music video, Brooks & Dunn, down in the bottom of Texas, a place called LaJitas. I was staying in a hotel with a tile porch looking out toward the Old Mexico border. The job was hard as hell and rest was cherished. I sat out on that cool porch one evening as the sun set on a very dry and hot day. The jambox was playing that Emmylou CD and I was pondering my life. I was in a marriage that just wasn't working. It wasn't bad. We loved each other and there was no serious pain inflicted other than a few random infidelities that had created a resolution of apathy through distrust. The emotional injuries had scarred over and there was no chance of any new wounds occurring or old ones reopening. This old heart had a shut door, sealed up with the key thrown away. A casual friendship with obligatory sex was all that was left. I had been in it for 14 years starting at 18. Often times I felt most like a 17-year-old looking out a window, wondering how I had gotten in this old car that was my life. Worse, I didn't know how to get off, get out, or get the fucking car to stop. These were my reflections as I sat on that cool, LaJitas porch, sucking down a Lone Star beer. I was done. I had to figure out how to get out and start to live again, me, the juvenile 17-year-old Joanna who had been left behind. As Emmylou played a backdrop to my thoughts, I felt my spirit lifting, I would leave, I was leaving, I'd made up my mind. I would figure out a way to eject myself from this passionless marriage at whatever cost. And, I did. It took awhile, and it hurt, but I left and I was fine, am fine, and he's fine. I'm so glad I found a way because the best of life was still waiting for me to find the courage to let that 17-year-old out to play and grow up and become completely who I needed to be. The awesome part was I found someone to play with. It took a few years, but we found each other, right in the other's back pocket. Someone I'd known all along but never expected. Funny how your soulmate can be right there across a bar, a friend you run into at the store or the park, someone you really like as a person, respect as a human. Joel was that someone who would want to be 17 forever but still know how to play grown-up when it was necessary. So here it is, almost a decade later, our little boy Jake is 3 and there is another on the way. It's Valentine's and Emmylou is on the stereo and Jake is playing beside me and even though Joel and I are not together this evening because of his crazy catering job, I know with all the assurance that I know that the Sun will rise tomorrow, this is the love that lasts forever, filled with solidity and trust and respect. I will always be surrounded by encompassing love, wonderful music and profound happiness for eternity. All the good things in our lives stick with us, in our hearts and souls and minds, like a really good soundtrack running through our days.

Thumper

2005-02-05T04:41:00.000-09:00

The hardest thing about pregnancy, for me, is the 1st 3 months. Everyday I wake up, feeling generally o.k., but as soon as I am moving around I can't imagine eating, but desperately need to. As I begin to ingest I get that horrible feeling of nausea and for hours after my mouth tastes like I just ate grease. This goes on all day long as well as a never-ending feeling of exhaustion. I begin to think it will never end, and in the case of my current 2nd pregnancy, I must admit, it hasn't ended, completely. It is getting better. Now, somewhere in the proximity of 18 weeks (I don't know how to keep up with these weeks), I can do chores and errands after work, eat regular meals (almost) and smile (something I had a very hard time doing for awhile). Recently, within the last 3 weeks, I have started feeling alot of knocks on my uterine wall. What I am saying is I think the little monkey is trying to communicate through telegraph. I feel the bumps, I don't know what they mean. It goes on all day, all night, and it's fine by me. Where before this was some strange entity that was torturing me for a reason I did not know, now it is my little buddy, reminding me she or he is still there so please don't eat so much chocolate and drink so much tea and stop with the fries please. So, at 40, becoming a 2-time mama isn't so bad. I'm looking forward to the way that love blossoms and grows from love. Being an only child, I was afraid that there wouldn't be enough love, that love somehow stretched thin and ran out. How was I to know any different. I had belonged to a small community of family and though there was plenty of love there, it had really never had its limits tested. Now, I see, there is room for another, Jake will love his little sibling and I will love Jake and mine and Joel's love grows ever stronger and I still love my poochies, Red and Gus, more than ever. Heck, maybe we will get a few more dogs and a couple of cats. But, for me, this body is done stretching for now.

Having a Baby.

2005-02-04T06:10:00.000-09:00

Today I will work on how to have a baby with no maternity coverage. Last baby was easy when it all came down to it. After interviewing a certified nurse mid-wife clinic that I loved, they sent me to Medicade, which somehow I immediately qualified for because I was unmarried (though I did have a live-in father of baby) and unemployed (though I did get a job). Medicade is a wonderful assistant to the whole prenatal and delivery care process. This time won't be as easy and now with Austin excluding mid-wives from the hospitals it is making it even more difficult. I am sure it will all work out. It always does.

During Pregnancy

2005-02-03T07:02:00.000-09:00

In this pregnancy, I know my indulgences. I cannot remember my first pregnancy. There is a blackout that occurs during delivery. Anything that happened in the 40 weeks previous is entirely wiped out. In this pregnancy, it is chocolate and coffee. I have no desire for the glasses of wine, or pints of beer that have entertained me through most of my life (aside from the first 14 years when I didn't drink). Thank god for the holidays, you can pick up a small box of candy with 4 pieces that calms my tummy for the day. I get my one cup of java in the morning that once again calms my tummy for the morning. This cup helps me digest the breakfast I can barely swallow down even though I am in my 5th month and everything should be better by now. Hilariously, though I fought it completely, I am sure that only a girl could be doing this to me. I am now convinced I am carrying a little girl, though I had hoped for another (easy) boy. Now, with that intuitive knowledge of a childbearing mama, I have great plans for this little girl. She will take ballet, jazz, tap and modern dance, I will have her doing yoga with me every morning. I will help her to become everything I never have and drive her completely crazy, just like my mom did, does to me. I have become so excited to have someone to dish about shopping, buy fashion mags, go to the beach with, I am overwhelmed. In 6 weeks when I get my ultrasound and find out it's a boy I'll be so deflated, me, the one who fought so hard the concept of a little girl coming into my life. Silly.

Tired of It.

2005-01-31T07:46:00.000-09:00

What are we supposed to do when you just can't win the financial war. I sit here feeling a 18 week baby kicking at my belly while my 3 year old hangs out in the living room. Just been stomach kicked by my mom telling me I just don't know how to handle my finances. I work, my husband works, we try to pay the bills, but they just keep getting bigger. I love my school loan the most. It's done me tons of good. I guess the natural progression of things would be that right out of college I would have landed me a little starter job that by now, 14 years later would be fully paying off with a good 70,000 or so. Didn't happen that way.